June 1, 2008
I have to apologize for a couple of things. First off, I apologize
for taking so long to write you back and second off, I apologize for my shaky handwriting. I'm on a tour bus heading to St.
Louis from Chicago. Nick is asleep in the pull-out bed in the middle of the bus and I'm sitting in the little living room
area towards the rear, writing you and listening to some James Taylor. Touring has been tough and we're only getting started,
but don't worry. Nick's got every hospital along our way on alert in case David Beckham in my tummy starts bending it the
wrong way. *laughs* I hope that you're doing well. I'm a good five months along or so and everything is going really well.
This kid is gonna come out singing Bryan Adams, The Cars, and his daddy's songs because that what he's been hearing every
Yes, I said he.
We're going to have a boy.
Nick, of course, is already vying for the child to
bear his namesake, but I joked, "Why would I want name my child 'Stupid Jackass'?" Nick just fired back, laughing, "Well,
that'd be better than 'Crazy Bitch'." This, of course, led me to quip, "My God, Nick, I'm not naming the child after your
mother!" We both giggled at that and decided the name thing could wait a little longer. I'm actually leaning towards something
like Shawn Elliot or Joshua Lukas or something like that. Knowing Nick, he'd probably want to name him Steve Perry or Tommy
Lee or something like that. Thanks, but no thanks.
Nick is like a kid in a candy store on this tour. We've, so far,
been to Tampa, Atlanta, Charlotte (boy, did I want the bus to make a detour to your house on that trip), Philly, NYC, Toledo,
and last night, we were in Chicago. Atlanta was probably the toughest because I think part of Nick was hoping to look into
the crowd and see Brian, but neither of us spotted him. Nick was a little downtrodden
about it, but I think part of him
hoped Brian was there somewhere listening because he decided to sing some songs off of their final album together. Well, the
album that never made it off the cutting room floor. Right at the end of the show, he came down next to the stage, took my
hand, led me upon the stage, and announced the sex of our child to the crowd of 10,000. Then, he sang "Safest Place to Hide".
God, it took me back.
I remembered sitting in the soundbooth with you, watching them record that song just days before
Nick proposed to me. That was the song they were supposed to sing at our wedding. They were getting along so well that I would've
never imagined what was to come. Don't get me wrong. Nick has a beautiful voice, but it just lacked so much without the guys
there to sing it with him. For Nick's sake, I prayed that Brian was somewhere in the crowd listening and realizing that those
boys need each other. I tried to call Leighanne before and during the show, but I couldn't reach her. Who knows what's going
on there. I'm beginning to wonder if Brian found out about us talking to her and revoked her cell phone privileges or something.
know Nick misses the guys, but he really seems to revel in being the sole performer on stage. And girl, that man has mastered
that guitar. I never thought I'd see the day where Nick Carter would sit his ass down long enough and have enough patience
to pick up any crafts besides those involving a video game controller, but he's done it. And he's writing songs left and right.
Great stuff. Some
rock, some not.
As for Nick and me, we're doing pretty well. While we don't get much time alone
together, the time we spend is nice. We see each other on the bus during the day, before and after his show, and in the hotel
room at night, but he's in such a business frame of mind at the moment, trying to put the finishing touches on his solo album,
that I've kinda faded into the background. He's been very protective of me with his fans, though, because some of them are
still as rabid as ever. Nick won't even let me get off the bus until he's managed to appease all of the fans and they've left.
He emptied his pockets after meet-and-greet before the concert last night and showed me about four hotel room keys he'd gotten
slipped into his pants' pockets. We've got a box on the bus with the hotel key cards from
all of our stops and we're running
a pool over how many we're going to wind up with. The bandmates, Nick, and I haven't decided on a prize yet, but we've
concluded that someone is going to be getting naked and dancing to some Britney Spears. *laughs*
I love Nick's bandmates.
They are the greatest. There's Daniel, the bass guitarist. Really strong Christian guy, helps keep mine and Nick's heads on
straight. Then there's the drummer, Mike. He and Nick have been buddies since they were kids along with the other bass guitarist
Alicia. She and her husband are expecting as well, so having her there with me, though I'm a little further along than she
is, has been a huge help to me. The guys, of course, complain though because of having to deal with two pregnant women. We
complain about having to deal with bitching men.
The guys love to tease Nick about the hotel key cards and I've heard
some stories about Nick's life on the road before he and I met. It makes my stomach twinge a little to hear some of the groupie
stories, and I can't help but be a little jealous. I'm a little nervous, too, because somewhere along this tour, I will have
to return home to give birth to our child and the road won't be a place for a newborn baby for a while. I don't really actually
believe Nick might take some of those girls up on their offers, but I don't really like the idea of the temptation being there
for him while I'm some hundred or thousand miles away from him. I've talked to Nick about it, but he brushes it off and tells
me that I'm just going to have to trust him. Trust. Something Nick is slowly rebuilding within me, but the slightest little
thing that makes me doubt that trust is going to make me doubt my relationship with Nick.
But anyway...his album is
going to be called "There Goes the Neighborhood". I say, there goes his recording career...just teasing. And oh my dear lord,
woman, he is covering the Bryan Adams' song that makes me go weak in the knees, the song that Nick knows he can sing to me
and I will do anything he could ever want me to do. "Please Forgive Me". And the thing that Nick creamed his pants over was
Bryan Adams coming in and producing the track for him. I actually arranged that for Nick through his record label. He about
died, and the track is amazing. Let's just say, Nick got a love-making session out of me after I watched him record that song.
So anyway, how is everything going with you? How is Howie? I'm sorry he's been so out of it here lately. I hope
everything is okay. What is he up to? How are the children? How are you? How is your novel coming along? I've been doing some
writing, but it's in a pregnancy journal for the baby. You know me and my journaling habits. That kid's going to find out
more than he could ever want to know about his mother and father, but that's how I want it to be. I don't know a damn thing
about my parents' lives before me and they're not loosening their lips anytime soon, it seems. I don't want things to be like
that with my child.
I'm rambling, though.
I think I'm going to go lie down with Nick and get some sleep before
we get to St. Louis, which isn't really that much further down the road. His bandmates were nice enough to get a second bus
so Nick and I have some time alone now. *wink wink* I hope you get this letter soon and write back ASAP! I hope everything
is well on your end and I hope to hear from you soon. Take care and kiss Howie and the kids hello for me. I miss you like
crazy and I love ya in spite of it.
Your best friend forever,
enclosed photos from the People magazine photoshoot Nick and I did the other day. There's an interview about him touring,
the Backstreet Boys' demise (as always), and about us becoming parents. The issue should be about in a couple of weeks but
these are copies of the photos taken of us. I look like a bloated sea cow. A glowing bloated sea cow but a sea cow all the